Interpersonal Relationships and Communication ©

JEANNETTE VILLATORO


Because we are profoundly communicative beings, perhaps one of the most impacting aspects of human life is interpersonal communication. The abounding interpersonal relationships we have with others not only define who we are but also reflect the perception that others have of us. Furthermore, how we communicate with those we hold relationships with affects the happiness and success we experience in life. Despite communication being a universal concept among all human beings, there is a conundrum of misconceptions about interpersonal communication. Having a strong self-perception and knowing the principles of interpersonal interaction is essential to communicating effectively. In addition, it is imperative to understand how to manage conflicts and be able to develop and apply emotional intelligence to interpersonal communication so that one’s self-concept and ability to communicate in a powerful manner will flourish.

Principles and Misconceptions

Interpersonal communication is fundamental necessity for a healthy life. We prosper from our relations with others and we consistently depend on our ways of relating and communicating to assure us of our place in this world. As stated by Dr. Ramesh Rao, “We thrive when we communicate well, and we starve ourselves of companionship, camaraderie and community when we fail to communicate effectively” (Rao, R., 2010, p. 1). Despite this generous conception of communication, it is evident that most of us lack knowledge of the basic principles of interpersonal communication and therefore take communication for granted. Conversely, interpersonal communication is in essence a simple notion. According to Hybel and Weaver II, “interpersonal communication is one person interacting with another on a one-to-one basis, often in an informal, unstructured setting” (Hybel, Weaver II, 2007, p. 7).

Interpersonal communication is derived from the close relationships we have in our life of our choosing. Yet, we have interface with people on many levels in our life, ranging from personal to professional. Interpersonal relationships constantly change and shift and can derive from formal settings. Relationships can vary from friendships, family members, lovers, acquaintances, professional and even adversaries. Life welcomes and encompasses most relationships in each of these categories. Therefore, it is important to understand how interpersonal communication propels us into successful encounters with other people and additionally enables us to have a better self-actualization.

Before the art of communication can be analyzed, one must clearly know and understand one’s self. This is so strongly connected to communication because our self-perception is vital to our well-being and how we portray ourselves to others. This will be the starting point of how others view us along with our communication style.

According to Dr. Khaleel Isa, there are four components to self that must be evaluated (Isa, 2007). The “known self” is the part of us we willingly incorporate in every day life and show to others. The “blind self” is the aspect of one’s self that others see clearly but that we are unaware. The “hidden self” is the part of us that we know of but do not share with others. Lastly, the “emotional self” is the part of us that “motivates us to be who we are” and is the part of us in which our “pathogenic belief system” lives (Isa, 2007, p. 2). Understanding these crucial constituents of the self will open the doorway to self-perception and communication rituals that will represent how we see our self and how we desire others to perceive us.

After uncovering our self-perception, an important factor of communication to be learned is knowing what defines communication and the many ways communication is expressed. Communication entails many factors and encompasses all that we are as communicative beings. We communicate through speech, facial expressions, affliction and tone of voice, body language, and even through the written word (Hybels, Weaver II, 2007). We must be sentient to these various ways of communicating in addition to being able to maintain a consistency with all of these components. If we are praising someone, we should be able to use our language in addition to positive facial expressions and appropriate tone of voice. Similarly, if we are denigrating a person or their actions, we must make sure we are expressing this with all aspects of communication above and beyond our usage of words. Having an unswerving manner of communicating that represents a clear initiative will certainly propel a person forward with the ability to effectively communicate.

The principles of interpersonal communication are simple and central to effective communicating. The first vital principle is knowing that communication is not avertable. We must communicate and we thrive upon it. As stated by Donnell King, “we can't not communicate. The very attempt not to communicate communicates something” (King, 2000, p. 1). Knowing this principle of communication will surely give us the knowledge of how important it is to master the skills of effective communicating within interpersonal relationships. Additionally, communication is irreversible (King, 2007). You cannot undo what is said or done and the effect will always remain. Consciously applying this knowledge before communicating will perpetuate proper efforts to communicate reasonably. Furthermore, communication is complicated despite its universal appeal and simplistic concepts. According to King, “we don't actually swap ideas, we swap symbols that stand for ideas” (King, 2007, p. 2). This makes it even more ideal to be stern with our choices when interacting with others. Words and meanings can be misunderstood and misinterpreted, and this can lead to ramifications that are unseen as well as unintentional damage to interpersonal relationships. Lastly, one must understand that “interpersonal communication is contextual” (King, 2007, p. 2). There are psychological, cultural, emotional and environmental circumstances that will certainly affect the way communication is given and received. Having a strong handle on these varying corollaries will result in a hyper awareness of extraneous factors that can either inhibit or promote successful progression of interpersonal relationships through meaningful communication.

The misconceptions of interpersonal communication are plentiful. Because each individual is unique, it is easy to misunderstand others and in turn, misunderstand the communicating process. Furthermore, because we communicate on a consistent basis, most of us have the misconception that communication is an innate ability that does not necessarily have to be fine-tuned. One of the most common misconceptions of interpersonal communication is that the skill to communicate applies to everyone in every situation.

Every relationship one has with another person will differentiate from any other. Each person is unique with a variety of characteristics that may disparage or compliment our own. Hence, we must be able to apply the appropriate attitude and technique for the individual that we communicate with. Some of the most difficult personality types to deal with are defensive and combative personalities. People who are defensive are sensitive to judgment and criticism. It is necessary have a gentle approach when communication with people who are easily offended. Those who are combative may easily argue or try to cause conflict. People in this category need careful handling as well. One should remain positive with this kind of person and try to elicit understanding and a consensus with factual stability.

It can be challenging to assess each individual and how to correctly approach communication when there are so many factors involved. With the proper effort and evaluation, one can identify personality traits of an individual and build positive communication around those aspects. This not only develops proper interpersonal relationships, but also broadens the skills necessary to effectively communicate and represent oneself in a positive manner.

Managing Conflict

Even with the most developed communication skills and an understanding of the principles of interpersonal communication, conflict can abound. Conflict typically arises from a differentiation in opinions and from misunderstandings. We cannot control or prevent conflict from occurring, but we can certainly mold our communication to accept and react to conflict appropriately. Solving conflicts within interpersonal relationships, if done effectively and with care, can most definitely enhance the relationship and promote a better understanding between the people involved.

Through an extensive study, it was determined that there are diverse styles of organizational conflict that people use to communicate that can either magnify or negate conflict (Gross, M., Guerrero, L., 2000). If a person utilizes the dominating style in which is perceived by others as usually inappropriate, conflict can more readily ensue. Participants in the study also perceived using the avoiding style of organizational conflict as inappropriate and this style would perpetuate a general misunderstanding between the conflicting parties. It appears that the obliging style, considered to be more neutral, would be the most effective means of simmering a conflict (Gross, M., Guerrero, L., 2000). This style consists of listening, understanding and empathizing with the other party, and gently expressing one’s one position. These are all aspects of effective communicating and perpetuate a strong foundation in interpersonal relationships.

Some of the accompanying skills that should go along with the proper organizational conflict style can aid in abating conflict and increase proper listening in skillful discussion. One of the main qualities would be to stop listening to others as well as yourself. Learning how to still the voice within is a great contribution to active listening. In a conflict, it is common for someone to construct an argument in their mind before it is their turn to speak (Stewart, J., 2006). Empathy is a useful tool in conflict management although it may seem foreign to the subject at hand. Being able to insert oneself in the other person’s shoes and to imagine what it would be like to have their values, beliefs, point of view, and the same problems will aid in empathizing in a genuine fashion (Stewart, J., 2006). Inquiry is also an important step in conflict reduction. Being able to show the other person that you are truly interested in how they arrived to their view will clear the path for honorable disagreement and understanding instead of empty victories and meaningless debate.

There are simple procedures that can be used in order to negate conflict. One of the first steps in conflict management is to reduce anger and make a genuine resolution to stopping the conflict from getting worse (Elkind, 2007). Identifying the motives of each party and understanding what each person wants is another step into the right direction. To generate a smooth transition into a resolution, one should think of positive options and choose one that best favors each person involved (Elkind, 2007). Employing these unique management techniques in addition to acquiring and understanding one’s organizational conflict style will promote better conflict resolution. Conflict is to be expected and does not necessarily symbolize negativity. Conflict can bring two individuals to a closer understanding of one another and develop trust in the relationship that each person can respectfully solve issues when they arise. Therefore, understanding the science of conflict and how to manage it effectively may very well contribute to more positive interpersonal relationships.

Emotional Intelligence

According to Hybels and Weaver II, “emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and get along with others” (Hybels, Weaver II, 2007, p. 236). Despite the simplistic depiction, emotional intelligence is quite complex in nature. Emotional intelligence is something that is learned and must be nurtured. Understanding one’s self, the emotions that one has, how others affect one’s behavior, and how one should react to uncontrollable situations are all relative to emotional intelligence and highly influence the interpersonal relationships that are encountered. Emotional intelligence is arguably just as vital as intellectualness. In fact, studies have shown that those with a high emotional intelligence are generally more successful in life in personal and work-related endeavors (Hybels, Weaver II, 2007).

There are some essential elements of emotional intelligence that should be addressed. These elements are identification, assessment, and expression of emotions. Controlling one’s emotions is no easy feat, especially during stressful or controversial situations. Because conflict can arise at any time, even without being provoked, emotions can be overwhelming. Identifying what the causes of emotions are and what triggers these emotions will enable one to control them. Assessing the emotions before expression is a key component to emotional intelligence. By first recognizing emotions and then understanding why the emotions occurred, one can determine whether or not the emotions are justifiable for the situation at hand. Emotions can be influenced by how one was raised, stress, or any other critical factors that easily affect one’s quality of life (Hybels, Weaver II, 2007). Therefore, it is safe to say that it is not always appropriate to express the emotions that are arising. The concluding element of emotional intelligence would be expression. After assessing the emotions that arose instead of expressing them the instant they occur, it is much easier to filter these emotions for expression. Similarly, with the ability to understand one’s own emotions, one can more easily recognize and react to other people’s emotional responses. These elements of emotional intelligence relate directly with interpersonal relationships and the way we choose to communicate and express our emotions. In fact, emotional expressiveness is the most imperative unit of measure in terms of effective communication.
Having a unique ability to empathize with others and to understand one’s self are key ingredients to successful communication. Lack of self-perception is a major inhibitor of emotional intelligence and prevents a readiness to communicate with an open mind. Developing one’s emotional intelligence is the root of proper communication and the bridge to thriving and cohesive interpersonal relationships.

Before anyone can truly benefit from and appreciate interpersonal relationships, one must have a strong sense of self. This begins the process of effective communication with others through an honest representation of motives and desires. Relationships prosper when reciprocation is equal and both parties have a respect for each other’s positions. Endorsing high emotional intelligence allows for conflict to be handled properly and communication to be well received. There is no escaping communication or it’s impact on the life of every human being. Therefore, each and every person should strive to master all of the key modules of communication skills. Overall, interpersonal communication not only aids the blossoming of personal emotional health and effectiveness, but it is also a vital component to human life.







References

Elkind, S. (2007). How to resolve conflicts without fighting. Retrieved from
http://www.goodcharacter.com/YCC/ResolvingConflicts.
Hybels, S., & Weaver II, R. (2007). Communicating effectively (eighth edition). New
York, NY: McGraw Hill.

Isa, K. (2007). Training program on communication skills. Retrieved from http://www.passia.org/seminars/2003/Communication-Khaleel-Isa.htm.

King, D. (2000). Four principles of interpersonal communication. Retrieved from http://www.pstcc.edu/facstaff/dking/interpr.htm.

Michael A Gross, & Laura K Guerrero. (2000). Managing conflict appropriately and effectively: An application of the competence model to Rahim's organizational conflict styles. International Journal of Conflict Management, 11(3), 200-226. Retrieved February 28, 2010, from ABI/INFORM Global. (Document ID: 66815935).

Rao, Ramesh. (2010). Communication studies. Retrieved from
http://www.longwood.edu/commstudiestheatre/communicationstudies.htm.

Stewart, J. (2006). Bridges not walls. New York, NY: McGraw Hill.